Warcraft Couples that Need Couples Therapy
Greetings, reader!
Before we get into Midnight, we have space for a few off topic blog posts. Today, I’m ranking the top 10 wow couples that really need or needed to go to couples therapy. Some of these couples are still together, some just seem like they’re together, some were together and are now donesies. I’ll be ranking couples of all kinds, even those where someone is now dead, based on if I think couples therapy would’ve helped them.
Honorable mention section: couples that couldn’t get better even with assistance
The Manastorms
Now we love to giggle when they come on screen, but this relationship is TOXIC oh my god. These two have repeatedly tried to kill each other, then during the one boss fight they’re working together to kill us, they yell at each other the whole time! At the end of their encounter in Shadowlands, Millificent says “awww sweetie you do care,” but like, I don’t perceive an amount of therapy that makes this couple less toxic. Unless I’m unaware of a secret new love language.
Jaina and Arthas
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED! Holy moly! This was never meant to be. Not only do they have divergent life paths, but one of them went on to become the motherfucking Lich King! The famous line “I’m sorry Arthas, I can’t watch you do this” was a heavy factor in Arthas feeling more isolated than ever, even if Jaina was super understandable in this moment, and that was of course the end of any actual relationship they had. Jaina famously still has feelings when Arthas dies in Wrath and wonders if any part of him did genuinely remain, and whether it did or not, this couple had absolutely no chance.
Jaina and Kael’thas
That’s right, Jaina Proudmoore is here a second time! I love my favorite messy sorceress. Kael’thas was the other party in the Jaina-Arthas love triangle, and she picked Arthas over the feeble prince Kael’thas. Initially, they clicked over their shared background as mages, but she eventually started thinking that Kael’thas was a bit of a dweeb. Was she wrong? Nope, Kael’thas was a dweeb. Her perception was basically “he’s hot, but his personality sucks,” which is low key spot on for Mr. Sunstrider. Kael’thas held a little grudge while she and Arthas flitted around Dalaran, which is his weird Illidan moment, and even threw a coin in the Dalaran fountain when he first crushed on Jaina. To be fair, she kinda goofed up after Arthas destroyed Quel’thalas, and went to try and comfort Kael’thas after the death of his father and the murder of 90% of his people. Not the best time to make a move girl. But, Kael’thas refused to be one-upped, and managed to bring up her choosing Arthas as a problem! Somehow blaming her for Arthas being such a monster! Yikes! These two are a mess: they’re incompatible personality wise, Jaina is way stronger than Kael’thas, he’s a pompous fuck, etc. No therapy will help this.
Illidan and Tyrande
Speaking of Illidan moments, that’s right, Illidan is cool and he’s also really weird about Tyrande! I do not approve of how Illidan acts towards Tyrande! Similar situation to the Jaina love triangle, but instead of two random blonde dudes, Tyrande was caught between two brothers. This is a classic hollywood love triangle though, where instead of Jaina actually finding both guys attractive, Tyrande doesn’t show an ounce of romantic interest in Illidan. That’s right, the man currently dueling Sargeras at the Seat of the Pantheon is an incel! Even in his farewell message, he has to remind Tyrande that he’s in love with her. Like I understand we fall in love with people who are taken but it’s my opinion that that’s a personal responsibility to deal with! Why does he keep making it her problem! Honestly this entry is just me saying Illidan is weird af with Tyrande and I hate it and she should send his ass to therapy by himself. Not couples therapy for her, but couples therapy for Illidan and his….demons. Hahahahahahaha. Sorry.
Moira and Dagran Sr.
So like even if this worked out and Dagran didn’t get killed, this is still a beauty and the beast type of situation where Moira got super giga kidnapped by the Dark Irons. I think it’s hard to conceptualize of overcoming the implications of falling in love in captivity with couples therapy, like good for her for not being scared in her situation, but I do think this is concerning as a setup. Of course, there’s also the matter of her relationship with her father, Magni, and the fact that he and Dagran would never be buddies. There’s a bit too many political issues happening here for me to think that this stood a chance long-term.
Daelin and Katherine Proudmoore
Speaking of political issues, Katherine Proudmoore is a nice kind center-right lady who’s probably quietly racist, but she accidentally married the most racist guy in Azeroth. Daelin probably hid it while they were in college and sneaks out to go to racism town halls once they’re married-she thinks he’s cheating, but the reality is much, much worse. Katherine at least shows signs of having an open mind and not being racist forever, Daelin literally died doing what he loved: being the most racist guy on the planet. One of the original CEO’s of racism, and in fucking Warcraft which is racism: the game. No fixing this marriage: it turns out no amount of couples therapy can make Daelin less murderous and evil towards people who are different from him!
Aegwynn and Nielas Aran
This is a fun one. I feel like most people know that Aegwynn was Medivh’s mom and dueled the avatar of Sargeras, but I feel like people forget that Nielas Aran was both her husband and Medivh’s dad. You fight him in Karazhan and think he’s just Medivh’s dad but then you remember he wasn’t just a dad, he was also Aegwynn’s man. These two got together because they didn’t like the power politics on the council of Tirisfal, but unfortunately, no amount of couples therapy can fix “whoops! Our baby got afflicted with Sargeras!” These two aren’t just doomed, they’re cosmically doomed. Nielas would go on to get blown up by Medivh’s ascension, the raw arcane power being far too much for his body to handle. Medivh was unable to kill Aegwynn, even when posessed by Sargeras, so she just got flung to a random corner of the universe. Cosmic doom.
Now, for our top 10 couples who might actually get somewhere with some counseling.
MY POOR BRAINWASHED QUEEN
Queen Neferess and Widow Arak’nai
This is in reverse order so they need it the least. These two are WONDERFUL but will probably need a bit of therapy because neferess got brainwashed? They had a BEAUTIFUL LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP but it turns out getting brainwashed will do something to you. I think they could benefit from a few sessions.
thank god we adopted shandris and didn’t have a kid 10,000 years ago
2. Tyrande and Malfurion
These two are doing well right now, but just because they’re doing well right now doesn’t mean they’ve always been well. I would support them going to a counselor to process some of their trauma bonding to confirm that they didn’t just become co-dependent during all of their world ending moments together, and of course a clinician should help them unpack Illidan’s bullshit. Like that’s your brother trying to steal your wife man that’s weird. Talk about it. Lastly, I think they should have some open discussions about Malfurion’s multiple periods of long absences. While Tyrande has been amazingly understanding of when he has to go to sleep and hang out in the Emerald Dream, I can’t imagine that being a previously immortal elf, living for thousands of years, and having your husband absent for large parts of your life is a good experience.
it’s honestly a toss up which one of them is shadily leaning on a wall at a given time
3. Flynn and Shaw
While they seem to be super compatible, I do think they have a few things to talk about. Dating the head of a giant intelligence agency comes with some baggage, such as “are you keeping a file on me” and “hey you hold tons of state secrets all the time IN THE HOUSE.” Love my weird covert gay spy and the stinky sailor, but I can imagine they would need a clinician to talk through their boundaries around work. Speaking of work, Flynn, get a job girl.
they have almost matching axes….except the old god shit….
4. Garrosh and Zaela
While these two are both dead, I think a counselor may have kept them from feeding into each other’s worst tendencies. When they first met in the Twilight Highlands, it was Zaela leaving an impression on Garrosh in terms of pride, racial identity, and generally not being cool with shitty people. As time marched on and they bonded, they got to a point where these ideologies warped into racial supremacy, purity, and pride to a fault. This is when Garrosh started leaving an impression on Zaela: where she once tried to lead honorable Dragonmaw out of the shadow of being evil, Garrosh brought her back into a larger fold, and she continued supporting his descent into authoritarianism. A counselor could have helped them pause and reflect on their choices, though there’s no telling that one or both of them wouldn’t just up and kill the counselor. See them as clients at your own risk.
“damn bro we’re in the afterlife”
“only life i know is my life with you bro”
“bro”
5. Thassarian and Koltira
MESS!!!! ALL OF THIS MESS!!!!! Ok let’s start with we are both dead. Like that’s already an individual therapy journey. But who did the dying? That’s right, Thassarian killed Koltira in life after Thassarian was already raised into undeath. I think there’s some stuff to air out, maybe “YOU KILLED ME BABE” to which Thassarian would probably say “i was mind controlled by Arthas dude!” Let’s talk about it. Also, we should talk about the fact that after Arthas died, these two split amongst the Alliance and Horde, then fought over Andorhal together. If you are so mad at each other that you have to fight over a whole city to resolve your issues, that might merit a pause. To be fair, they were on a break, but still. They stand a really good shot because Thassarian did stage a rescue for Koltira later on during Legion, but I would still be pissed. I actually think they need more counseling now, as they’ve been seen just standing around talking about how sad and bored they are. Neither of them particularly enjoyed the anniversary event like you can still have fun gentlemen. Anyways, I love toxic yaoi.
6. Ji Firepaw and Aysa Cloudsinger
Ok so we have some PROBLEMS here. The whole point of Tushui vs. Huojin is a difference in mentality: where Aysa is patient, calm, and waits before taking action, Ji believes in acting now and dealing with whatever the consequences are. This seems pretty incompatible to me for some of life’s big moments. While they’ve been on the same side during the original Siege of Orgrimmar, the 3rd Legion Invasion, and the Fourth War, that’s by their general morals, not by their actual mentalities. For example, if we’re thinking about buying a house, Ji would just buy the first one, while Aysa would scout out the market. If it’s kids, Ji would grab one on the way home and Aysa would consider their budget and life goals first. When it comes to defending Azeroth, these two are aligned. When it comes to mundane stuff, I’m not so sure. Let’s have a conversation and see if these two opposites really do attract or if they need to grow separately.
“anyways hope you’ve been well” “yeah you too!" by the way did we ever officially break up or should I tell my mom there’s still hope”
7. Jaina and Kalecgos
Ugh. Ms. Proudmoore. For her third appearance on this list, we have the most stable man Jaina ever went for but at the worst time in her life. These two became friends after Theramore got nuked, so not a great time to form a healthy relationship, and while they did their best after Jaina regrounded herself a bit, they began realizing they didn’t have much chemistry. I love Kalec to pieces, but he’s a sadboi for sure, and Jaina should probably not be with a sadboi who helps her to be even sadder. Like I said I LOVE him but this is kind of a both of you go to therapy first angle. Instead, they decided to just be toxic and take an unofficial break, having a Mako+Asami style soft breakup where no one ever actually dumped anyone. If we were on Facebook, Jaina’s relationship status would be “it’s complicated” and Kalecgos’ would’ve been “dating” but he would’ve untagged Jaina from it. Thankfully they aren’t together anymore officially and are still good coworkers. I think this is a situation where they could maybe fix it in the future, but I want them to see a counselor regardless to discuss how their issues impacted each other. They weren’t toxic like Garrosh and Zaela, because Kalec pulls Jaina back from war crimes much like Thrall does, and Jaina at least tries to help Kalecgos take care of himself (he’s bad at it. Relatable). But they should at least talk about it. Then they can see if they wanna try again, or if they just wanna keep saving the world together.
Ily, why didn’t you put Thrall and Jaina somewhere on this list? BECAUSE THRALL IS MARRIED!!! JAINA IS NOT A HOMEWRECKER!!! THIS IS NOT JERSEY SHORE!!!!!!!!!
“nathanos i need to give you a more fuckable body” was the plot of this short story btw
8. Sylvanas and Nathanos
The captain of the “anything you say my queen” guard has arrived. I strongly suspect that Sylvanas has a different outlook on a lot of her decisions post-Shadowlands, and I hope one of those reflections is towards Nathanos. These two are like a fun doomed undead ship: nobody else is going to love either of them and they are both exiles from society. It’s kind of like Fiyero and Elphaba at the end of Wicked. Thankfully, they also like each other. While it’s usually Nathanos saying it first, Sylvanas has let her Tsundere down a bit to be more vocal about her love for Nathanos. It’s also particularly cute in the Sylvanas novel when she’s relentlessly unimpressed by him and finds him charmingly average.
Now that said, following your girlfriend’s orders through war crimes forever, while having a pretty uneven power dynamic even in the afterlife probably merits some boundary setting. I think their relationship was pretty solid until Sylvanas became warchief, then they should’ve immediately sat down with an intermediary and established where “my warchief” ends and “my life partner” begins.
this was soooo cute and then she blew up the undercity she’s so real
What’s also interesting is that multiple times during BFA, Nathanos hesitated on Sylvanas’ orders for the first time ever. This is kind of a fun inversion of the Garrosh/Zaela: where they’re still doing war crimes, Nathanos actually wants to pull away from the war crimes the longer they go on. Conversely, Zaela was all in on the True Horde/Iron Horde. These two are the Garrosh/Zaela dynamic but 1) they are both still intact in the afterlife (remember Garrosh blew his soul up in Sanctum of Domination and turned into stygia), 2) they have both actually reached a point of regret on their decisions (Garrosh literally said “i’d do it all again” and Zaela never hesitated), and 3) they both display that they still wanna try to make things work. I do need Sylvanas to say “alright we’re equals I have no title,” even though she’s still raid boss power level, and for Nathanos to confirm that he wants to have a personality and his own interests outside of “I love my wife.”
“don’t look at my marital issues, champion”
9. Alleria and Turalyon
Speaking of wives, stop reading if you haven’t finished Blood Ties, as I’m discussing spoilers! Our favorite opposites attract couple walks into Midnight more uncertain than ever. After being asked why they’ve never gotten married, Turalyon immediately pops the question and Alleria accepts. However, after their wedding gets attacked, Alleria begins to doubt their connection all over again, returns Turalyon’s ring, and leaves to go hunt Xal’atath again. This really sucks for Turalyon: while he ordinarily trusts Alleria’s return implicitly, this time felt different for him.
We’ve always needed therapy for Alleria and Turalyon, but the scope of how much we need to discuss has changed over time. First it was just “we need to talk about Alleria moving across the continent for a man,” now it’s “we need to talk about the walking nukes inside both of you and the fact that you’re literally cosmically incompatible.” You thought incompatible star signs were bad, wait until you deal with “opposing cosmic Warcraft forces.” While I’m always up for a fun little Alleria/Xal’atath crack shipping, she is with Turalyon and always has been. I’m not sure how the story will have them end up, but I think a counselor would go a long way toward helping them figure out how to best navigate this new stage of their relationship. And then they can go to family therapy with Arator to figure out how to actually be parents since, you know, they had to leave to fight a war right after he was born and have no idea how to parent (not their fault).
Also I desperately need to see the tabloids about their public split at the wedding. “Alleria once again chooses work over her husband.” “Can the Windrunners ever not be dramatic?” “Bastard Child of Light and Shadow: a sitdown with Arator at his parents’ failed wedding.”
who could possibly resist this face
10. Wrathion and Anduin
You knew this was coming. While they aren’t together in canon, I’m still putting them on this list because THEY’RE BOTH SINGLE so it’s different from Thrall/Jaina bc they could still get together. Maybe. I hope.
Anyways I hear you wanted toxic yaoi? I sure did. Wrathion and Anduin met when they were teenagers in Pandaria and had a crazy intense summer fling at the Tavern in the Mists. We’ve got all the red flags of a toxic situationship here: Anduin post-near death experience, Wrathion eating Lei Shen’s heart, Anduin staying at Wrathion’s house during all of this, and of course, NO ADULT SUPERVISION!!! This is like summer camp on crack for them. But they can’t stop thinking about each other, even this long after their summer together. When they finally reunited in BFA, the first thing Anduin did was punch Wrathion in the face. Toxic. Love it. These two are the original heated rivalry.
These two need individual therapy for their own issues, couples therapy for each other, globe therapy for “what the fuck is happening on our planet at any given time,” and grief counseling for dead parents. But I’m still rooting for them. I acknowledge that this is me breaking my own rules for my favorite crack ship and I’m gonna stick to it because this blog is for fun and this story is for fun. 🙂
